If you had asked me in June of 2013 what I thought being a massage therapist meant I probably would have responded with something to do with helping people with stress and relaxation. Although this is true it barely scratches the surface of what was about to take place over the next six months.
In the beginning I was having a hard time understanding why I had this calling, I really didn’t like being touched or touching others. So what the hell was wrong with me? Touching is pretty much what I did for the next four months. If I was not massaging someone then I was being massaged. Give and take of touch was going on daily.
I was breaking down walls I had built and kept in place for thirty plus years. I was enjoying people and it seemed that they were actually enjoying me. I always feel inadequate and I’m not sure how to change that. Knowing where it comes from doesn’t always free or heal you of the trauma. At forty something years old it is a lot like teaching an old dog new tricks, some they pick up and sometimes they fall back into old behavior.
Self criticism is my all time worst habit and I find it very difficult to stop doing. I catch myself in mid lashing and back up but like any mean words, whether in your head or out of your mouth once they are there you can’t take them back. I have one weapon of mass destruction in my arsenal and it is something that requires practice.
Love, I try to practice love outside my comfort zone daily. Compassion and understanding are hard to find in this world that we have created. I personally have been called a pit bull, have borderline road rage and had my personality compared to a Bengal tiger, so trust me when I say this is definitely outside my comfort zone.
Generally I am not a people person. I don’t reach out to people unless it’s to comfort someone that may be sitting alone feeling left out. I tend to gravitate towards people that will be more accepting of me than taking on people that are already closed off to me for whatever reason. I don’t have time in my life to convince anyone they should like me. This hasn’t always been my view and because of that I can assure you that it is from experience that I have chosen to not allow other peoples opinion of me to be any of my business. I do not gauge my success based on how many friends I have, but that is about to change.
Today is the first paid day of my new career path. As I sit here waiting to go to work I find myself rather nervous. I have a need to please attitude and failing is not an option. At least that is how I use to think. Now I’m being told to have boundaries and I can’t please everyone. I can’t even wrap my head around it…I feel like I am jumping into a lake and I don’t know how to swim.
Thankfully that is how I learned to swim, my dad pushed me in. I didn’t realize I was in the middle of the pool until I really tried to touch the bottom. Today I jumped in, feet first and landed gracefully on my toes. Somewhat of a clinic flashback, today was twice as long but virtually the same experience. The difference is the clients do not give you feedback like clients at a student clinic. I’m sure they give the receptionist feedback if they think it’s bad though.
Now I have experienced both working at a place and doing an out call at someones house. I definitely prefer going to someones house, not only is it a better atmosphere but “I” get paid for my services. So my goal is to build a clientele base of out calls until I can rent my own office…in the mean time save, save, save!!!
I enjoy massage so much that I don’t really care where I do it just that I do it. The money is a side note but as long as I can pay my bills I will be happy helping others. Finally I feel like I have found my calling, my skill, my passion. I just want to take this seed and plant it in the ground and watch it grow and flower. I feel a burst of excitement when I think about massaging each day, bringing a certain kind of joy, relaxation and love to people. Now that, I would say is healing with touch. Myself, if not the world.